Ramblings of a Creative Mind...
[Originally published on a past iteration of the website on January 26, 2017 at 6:56pm.]
Welcome to Cariña Booyens dot com. Whoah!
It was only a short decade ago that I bought a URL and had no website for approximately 3 years. It was a long time before I added any work to the online sphere because, FEAR.. oh and SHAME.
And maybe a little cluelessness.
The fact that I didn't just spontaneously combust is a miracle, but first, let me explain.
FEAR has been such a strong player in my life, all my life, but despite all the fear, the dream of being an artist somehow survived. I don't really know how, but my biggest suspicion is good old-fashioned stubbornness.
To my delight, years later (yeah, only about 15 years in the making) I have discovered the flip side of fear is COURAGE. So, somewhere along the line (yep, this is a whole other story) I found courage (sometimes disguised as stubbornness) and kept on coming back for more kicks in the head from life.
So, where does SHAME come in? Yeah, it is a really old pattern, one I picked up as a kid to feal very shameful about everything. Not being good enough, not studying hard enough, wasting me talents, not being good enough, loud enough, dedicated enough, etc. It is a very crippling emotion, and it has been with me for as long as I can remember.
To this day, when people criticize me, my first reaction is (after of course believing that EVERYTHING THAT CAME OUT OF THEIR MOUTH IS THE HONEST TRUTH! HA!) shame... Deep, blushing, cringing, shrinking SHAME. It can sometimes put me on the couch for days, in some cases even months. I'm learning, and yes, that is still present tense, that people speaking their mind may not have my best interest at heart, and they might simply not have all the information, and SOMETIMES, their truth just simply isn't my truth.
So, in my case the antidote to shame, is TRUTH. It really is true for me, that the truth shall set you free.
So, in an attempt to set myself free (from my own shame and fear) I am starting to write about everything. My life, my art, my struggle to make it as an artist... And I am also slowly but surely putting wings and legs on my dreams.
I am not thinking this will happen soon or quickly, but with the help of my awesome community, I will be able to expand into my mission and vision and eventually LIFE MY LIFE OUT LOUD, IN FULL COLOUR and free free free from the shackles of shame. I know fear will always come along for the ride, but as Liz Gilbert said, I will not let fear take the wheel.
Thanks for reading, and may you find a little something of value on my site.
In the meanwhile,
LOTS OF LOVE and SPARKLES
Cariña